I left school early today, Bad day. I don't know whats wrong with me, hopefully my time with Jess will mend it a little.

So after seeing the movie, Twilight, I decided to start reading the series, and I really can't put the book down. ....Obesssseeessed

I hate everyone.

Was It completely nesscary for him to leave? Is it supposed to teach me some kind of lesson? Fuck Holidays, RIP Dad, I hate the holidays withtout you.

Odd to say, but I love winning solitare

If anyone actually reads this, This is what I look like with completely no make up on. Ahahahahaha I dont think I'll ever leave the house like this, so good luck catching me like this. I love this girl<3333>

<-------- He is probably one of the most sexiest men alive. Last night, I went to go see Twilight with Jess and Carney, and No lie, It was SO good. Cutest, intense love story ever. Me and Jess cried. Lol not to be a Debby Downer or anything but it honestly mad me sssssssoooo pissed off, I don't think I can handle cute shit like that cause I get so jealous, not to be completely corny. But its totally true. I just got home not too long ago, and now I'm completely bored with nothing to do, its only 9:14 too. What the fuuuuuuuuck, I think tomorrow If I dont find anything to do, I MIGHT actually clean my room, This pig-sty is gettin a tad rediculous. But I'm gonna go all out, even throw away some clothes maybe, well see. 12 more days till Christmas, and 13 more days until London and Paris, I think i'm more excited for London than I am Christmas. Most deffinately, I fucking hate holidays and I'm mostly excited to get out of this fucking country. I dont even think I'm going to take my phone with me, When I'm there I want nothing to do with anyone. Plus I think there's extra charge on texts when your out of country. I dont know.

HORRIBLE day. I start off first, with thee most bangin headache ever, Secondly, a debate in history gone wrong. I freaaaked out because these two kids were talking shit under their breath in front of my face. I hear i'm dumb every FUCKING day dude, Its bull shit. But the one came up to me and apologized sincerely, so its straight. Then lastly, I'm on the phone, and he calls me another girls name? Thats an automatic goodbye.. "I want to let you know that you are the girl. The one I've been waiting for"


Hahahaha bye!

To me, everyone seems so fucking happy. I can truely say that i'm fucking miserable, and most people deffinately aren't helping. I feel like a failure, I can't do good in school, I can't make my mom happy, I could never make my dad happy, I can't find a dude, I dont know what's wrong with me. I'm insecure and probably hopeless, I honestly feel like giving up on everything and everyone. I sound like some emo mother fucker, but its true. I don't know...

I keep having the same issues with myself almost every month, every week rather. I don't know what to do.

It's wierd, I haven't been drunk or anything for 3 months. I'm actually pretty proud of myself, but I'm so fucking miserable that sometimes I think If I just got totally smashed, I would be happy again and my life would be more interesting again, More stories to tell etc. I really don't wanna think like that all, And I shouldn't but, I dont know.
I think I might actually like delete my myspace, or not go on it for a while, because honestly it just makes me feel shitty about myself every fucking day. Or just not even go on my computer rather. I really can't let things get to me like they do, but thats just me I guess. I'm tired of living around here but I would really hate to move, I might have a chance to move to AZ in July, but whats out there? Just deserts, mountains and bull shit. Deffinately not my kind of place. I have plans here, so I'll stick to them. I just really can't wait to leave this fucking place just for a little but and go to London and Paris, It's gonna be so bangin.

I'm figureing myself out day by day, and I hate it because I thought I already knew who I was.

Hopefully Ill be going to Delaware tonight to see Tiff and Taylor.

You make me hate myself. You make me hate myself. You make me hate myself. You make me hate myself. You make me hate myself. You make me hate myself. You make me hate myself.


I wish I never met you. I wish I never met you. I wish I never met you. I wish I never met you. I wish I never met you. I wish I never met you. I wish I never met you. I wish I never met you. I wish I never met you. I wish I never met you. I wish I never met you.

Today was hard, reallllly fucking hard. Toughed it out though, and I'm glad I wasn't just sitting home feeling sorry for myself.


rip dad, 6.3.55 - 12.2.05

Its wierd, I know you don't give a shit, but I still think about you, and care about you. The feelings not mutual but I'm alright with that, You'll feel bad sooner or later, I know you've got a heart.

Loosing a love one is probably the worst thing you could possibly deal with, considering the fact its like, a part of you is gone.
Its wierd, because Ive really come to realize that.. I've kinda shut myself out to alot of people... kinda. I mean, I love three people in my life, the most, and its My mother, My brother, and Jess. I have alot of friends, but after my dad dieing, and nick being a huge part of my life, then just kinding falling out of it, (believe it or not it hurt more than alot of people think.) Its hard to actually love someone.
I had a dream that Jess left me, for good and I woke up crying to her. But I told my mom about it and she told me she has dreams of Enrique leaving her all the time, So its just being scared of loosing someone you love.
Just sucks so bad, that I can't really open up to people like I do to Jess, but in a way it's a kind of a good thing, because there aren't really many people you can trust anymore.

Tonight, my mom told me "I think before you try to get in a real relationship, You should be completely happy with yourself"
I guess you could say shes completely right, but for me to be completely happy with myself, will probably take more than a long time.

Is it bad that I'm laughing? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

No heart, what so ever. I thought I was heartless. It's pathetic and immature, and completely uncalled for.
I havent been called that since my dad was alive, Thanks for bringin' that back.

Oh and girls with morals sweetie, have a reason to be bitter. Because most of them get dicked over by people like you.

Eh, I don't really know why I was that upset this morning, It wasn't worth crying over. The things he said makes me entire look on him differently, being friends for a while or not. Hes not a good person, and to think I thought I actually fell for someone like that, both makes me laugh, and makes me really pissed off. Its okay though, its not like it was going anywhere anyway.

MAIN GOAL : DONT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN TO GUYS UNTIL YOU KNOW FOR A FACT THEYRE COMPLETELY INTO AND ALL FOR YOU

I wish I could get the shit beat out of me for crying over so something stupid.

Again, I feel like I'm not good enough, I dont know why. I hate this website because this is where I vent, so many people probably think Im such a baby, but Im not. It just sucks honestly, I'm me and whatever, but I want to be the best in some peoples eyes. but I feel like im not even close to the "best."
I'm just insecure, I guess..

I am so into you

Blahblahblahblahblahlblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahimahorribleperson
blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah

Im so scared to see you, its unreal!

I hate Jersey, I miss philly.

I don't know why I miss you so much, I only kissed you once.

The Police is one of the best bands ever, no doubt about it.

If I could wish for one thing, In the hole entire world, hands down, It would be to some way, some how to see my Dad again.
I'm sick of dreaming about him, I'm sick of just thinking about him. I just want to see him, and hug and kiss him, dance with him, hold his hand, and tell him how much I love him. I would do anything, absolutely anything, to see him again.
Where would I be if he was still here?

Soooo from sitting in all last night, and this morning. I've been thinking about so much, I need to get out of this house before I drive myself insane. I baked a some kind of fruity bread last night, and fell asleep during the phillies game. Oh and before all that my mom gave me a hot stone massage, which is deffinately what's up. I miss everything I used to have :( maybe if I didn't fuck up so much things wouldn't have changed, so I guess I stop feeling bad for myself. Ugggggggggggh

I had such a good night tonight, good get away from such a stupid week. I haven't talked to my best friend in like a good two days, I guess thats cool, right?

I'm so pathetic, really I am. I don't know why I bother with anyone or anything.

I've come to the conclusion that there has to be something dramaticly wrong with me. Or maybe I'm just a fucking retard, but i'm done with it all. I hate to be so dramatic, but I'm just venting.
Either all the dudes I talk to are complete assholes, or in all seriousness, there is someting wrong with me. I know im not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, or the best at making descisions, and the most jealous, not the skinniest. But someone was in love with me for over a year, why can't that happen again? I guess I gotta be patient, but im the most impatient girl ever. I HAVE SO MANY FLAWS. what the helllllllllllll? I thought I found some dudes who would do me right, but the first one, is too "busy" doesn't have time. And the second one is just a flat out douche bag whos been my friend, but likes to see girls cry I guess, when he couldve supposively "taken care of me" bulllll shiiiiitt...
Im done wasting my time on people, For real. Between friends, and guys. And just people in general, you can't trust ANYONE. So from now on, I will never ever ever let my guard down until I know and feel thats its alright to. I'm usually such a reallllly happy person, I am a happy person. but shit sucks so bad lately, im so over it, so incredibly over it.

"Best Friends" is such a God damn fake word. I have never been so betrayed by friends in so long. I don't understand how someone could sit there and act like yous are best friends, and pull the bull shit that you did. This doesn't go out to directly one person. All i know is, I don't need yous, your all huge dissapointment. But its okay, life is full dissapointments. But yous are the biggest. I got my mom and myself, and honestly thats all I need. Thanks for making my trust issues ten times worse than they were.

I could talk about how much i miss the way you used to play with my chub, and i could say that i miss the way that you yelled at me, and i could say that i missed the way you made me feel totally complete. I could say that i miss your kisses and and knowing i was the reaosn your smiling. I could say all that, but i know its not the same as it used to be, never will. Which hurts me so bad because thats all i can think about. What if things didnt mess up, where would we be right now? just sucks, becaues i don't think i can even be your friend, talk to you, RATHER see you, without crying. I want to move on, and im trying. and i'm gonna keep trying.

I don't seem to be too happy lately, can't really explain why, but i feel like theres something missing. I want to go to the beach and just lay there by myself all day. One thing i can really look forward to is going to London for New Years. I can't be more excited. But school is wearing me out, i've been going to bed so early lately, and im actually cracking down and doing my homework. Wierd right? School is one of my main concerns right now. But i just wish i was happy, i mean im content, but im not as happy as i can be. People have been letting me down except for three people really. They know who they are. Whatever, just taking this school year day by day.

i am so confused, so beyond confused. i feel so horrible, and so unsure. I'm saying goodybye for good, and it hurts so bad. But i'm wondering so bad how that person feels right now. Does he feel the same way i did, when he did the same thing to me? what if im ending things for nothing, like what if moving forward was a bad idea, becuase moving forward didnt want me to move on to him.

Im just so confused, my mom and I are trying to hangout more, just me and her, after all the shit thats happend in the past week.

I just feel like crying im so confused. I just wanna know if moving on was a good idea, but it takes time to tell.

why the fuck am i crying over your scum bag ass, your not the same person i met. I hate the new you.

your fucking stupid, pathetic, i fucking hate you. I really fucking do. I can't believe you, i can't trust you, You are seriously dead to me. I can't believe i ever said i love you, i can't believe you said you loved me. I seriously havent been so mad in such a long time.
I want to beat the fucking shit outta someone right now.

I am sooo incredibly heated right now, i am so incredibly done with being fucked over, i am so incredibly done with caring for someone. I am more than mad, i'm more than upset, i wish i wasn't home, i fucking hate this place more than you could ever know. I'm tryna get away from everyone this weekend, so if your readin this and your going on vacation this weekend to the shore, to anywhere but here, let me fucking know.

fuck this place, fuck people who "care" about you, because it'sss alllllll a fucking lie.

I thought everything was going well, but i ended up being compleeeeetely wrong.

Stupid shit went down saturday night, reaaalllyyyy pisses me off, but i can't really hold a grudge that long...
Just pisses me off cause that night i found out, people we called "friends" ended fucking us over real bad. Like i'm scared to even make new friends, because there prolly just gonna fuck you over anyways. I just think it was soooo much shit down that week, and then we all got together, and it was too fast.
On a different subject, i'm seeeeriously done trying, done calling, done texting. its beat as fuck that i got my hopes up for real this time, and once again i got let down.

Im just gettin all kinds of let down, so how bout i find a new group of friends that doesnt fuck people over?

for certain people

its sad dude, to see such reallllyy great things just be completely shattered. Ya know? people fuck up, alot of people fuck up, and usually when fucking up, someone gets hurt right? but really one person has to BE the bigger person, and not do that hole name calling, bull shit. I can understand your mad, and upset, la de da de da, but seriously, what your saying is just mean... You may not be saying it to their face, but your still implying it. Your hurting someone you cared about. Eveennn though, they mightve done it to you, it still hurts just as much.

i know you may want "revenge" or whatever ya know?, but you should never want revenge if you really considered that person your best friend...
it really is sad, and to think it was over a dude, im not trying to get in the middle at all, and i'm not taking sides. I just think its rediculous.

I love the both of you to death, i hope that eventually you can work things out.

I don't want to go to the airport... ill be dreading the airport and the plane ride, fuck.

fuck all that, im good. Leaving my house for flordia tonight, and not actually gettin on the plane till friday. so fuck you, im gonna have the best time ever, not thinking about you ;)


i'm gonna miss everyoneeeeeeeee.... kinda ;)

I need to chill the fuck out. I'm making myself sick, not physically sticking my finger down my throat, but my stomache has been a mess the past few days, and headaches, but then again that could be from sleep too. I told myself i'd never give up on this, but i gotta, its wasting my time and my thoughts and shit. Its wierd how a matter of two days can completely change how you feel and shit, you know?

im just going to focus on my friends, and my mom. its all i really should be focusing on. hopefully i can get out to do something so i dont have to sit in and think about absolutly everything. :/

i see jess tomorrow night, and then im off to flordia, im so excited, and on top of that august 12th i get these fuckers off my teeth, that like less that a month! I miss sammy, alot.

figured that i'd make one of these, instead of using my livejournal. No one will read it, but its a good way to get shit out. my mom and i got into a little arguement, me and a certain someone got to into an arguemnt, but that actually killed me the most. And on top of that, i feel like im being used, on so many different levels. but i think i'm too nice to confront that shit. but whatever. i haven't been getting much sleep lately which is probably making my emotions go off the wall.
have you ever loved your past so much, but theres SO much bad in it? but then again you wanna go forward incredibly worse. ill tell you what, i havent felt this way in such a long fucking time, it really gives me a headache and makes me go crazy. i know i need to keep my distance, but its so hard.. i havent realized it till now. Its 2:35, and i need to get up early again tomorrow, so i best be going to sleep.