I feel alot better now that my moms home you don't even know. But my brother is deffinately coming over, and my mom told me the only thing she wants for mother's day is for us to be civil.... yeah............

I've been laying in bed, all day. Miserable. Miserable. MISeRABLE. I've been crying. I miss my Dad. I miss him so much. 3 years is too long without having him. I think I might have to see my brother today, I hate him. No one cares. I have no one to talk to. I need help. I'm hot. And at this point in time I wish I was fucked up on God knows what. Maybe I'm getting my period, I don't know. I just wish everything was perfect and everything was okay. But I'm not happy, nothing comes easy for me, ever. I was happy a little less than a month ago. But it's obvious people change quickly. I'm not happy. In any way shape or form. My mom's not even home for mother's day.

I haven't updated in so long. I'm miserable absolutely miserable. I'm not happy like I used to be thats for sure. I didn't know you talked bad about someone your apparently in love with but, thats okay right? I didn't know it was alright to be disrespectful to someone your in love with, but that's okay right? I totally just realized something as well. I'm not writing it on here just because it's public. But I'm off the wall about it
Thank God today is mother's day, because I don't feel like leaving the house, I just want to sit and read and cry.

Why can't every thing just go perfectly

Tonight was an interesting night, Steve's asleep and I wanna talk to him so bad


xoxoxoxo

Well, It's 6:25, and the truth is I woke up thinking about it, at 5:50. YOU really did like me, What guy would wanna spend every night on the phone with a girl who lives far away, that youll never see, what guy wouldn't read all my surveys about him and not like me? I think the only reason you hurt me like you did is because you needed to get rid of me, fast. But you insisted on making it a bigger deal than it should have been, you could have just told me.
I don't know maybe I'm completely wrong, I considered him maybe being completely insane, (a conclusion I do not doubt at all) I've considered a bunch of things.
But truth is I'm utterly and completely happy with Steve and I wouldn't trade him for one thing in the world even if it was a life supply of authentic Chanel stuff, oh thatd be wonderful, but its true.

My myspace song makes me wannaaaaaaaa dance, all my nail polish is coming off and it's my favorite color, I miss my baabeeee. I passed history with a fucking 76! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT CUZ I CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)

ps I still feel mad lonely, still... but I'm happy today, today is a good day!

I need to find out what the fuck is wrong with me fast before I blow my fucking head off. Maybe I'm bi-polar, maybe i'm just fucked up. Who knows, I just can not afford to push away one the of best people in my life right now, please God don't let me loose him

Have you ever felt like you have everything in the world that you could possibly want but you still feel completely alone? That sounds outragously emo but really. For over a year I thought falling in love would take away all of that would basicly heal everything, but now I realize I'm wrong. Steve is something else, I want to see him every second of the day, I love talking to him, I love kissing him, I love his eyes, his smile, How funny he is, everything about him gets to me and I still feel like he's not completely there.


I've come to the conclusion there's something wrong with me and I'm not sure what it is yet, and I reaaaaaallly need some help figuring it out. Because If I don't let myself go then I don't see myself ever being completely, full on happy. Not saying that I'm not super happy at the moment, I just feel like I have potential to be happier.

WHY AM I CRYING

This is where everything catches up, I'm not sure if it's just my time of the month or i'm really upset. I'm so scared still, or just fed up, I'm feeling a whole bunch of things. I have 50 dollars I could spend it on alot of different things that would probably make everything go away which would be amazing, but I won't. I'd like to run away by myself with no one able to contact me and never come back, like go ask alice except less fucked up.
My back is killing me and i feel horrible, I'm about to take worlds longest bath.


:(

It's so uncalled for and so unexpected for me to feel this way about someone so fast. I talked to my mom yesterday, and she said no matter what in any situation, you're always gonna get hurt, and I said "well, aren't you scared?" and she said no, im living in the moment, in the now. I came open hearted in this relationship and now it couldn't be more perfect. So I took her advice and let my guard down, and I can truely say my boyfriend is perfect for me, every aspect of him. I know most people probably think I'm crazy for admitting that one word to him, I think I'm crazy for letting it happen, but I'm happy.

^^^^^ HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


Last night I wrote a letter to myself that was impossibly true. It's about how I need to treat my mom, not only as a friend but as parent, to stop pushing her away finding reasons to be mad at her, I need to learn now while I can so I don't push new people away.
Thursday night, my 16th birthday, was most deffinately not the way I pictured it, but all in all, I don't have a phone, I probably won't have a computer later, but I hung out with Lizzy, Ashley and Jason, and it seriously made my night, I couldn't have more fun just sitting at a diner, and a playground with the best people on this earth. Seriously.
Last night was amazing as well I got to see Steve which always put a hugeeeeeeee smile on my face. He's honestly way to good to be true, or just way too good for me in general, perfect perfect perfect. I could go on and on about how much and what I love about Steve but I won't. Just know that he's the best boyfriend I've ever had.
Today should be ten times more interesting, I haven't talked to my mom since our little arguement thursday night. But I think all will be well, I can't have things be awkward really, I think like usual we both need time to calm down.

Kelsey xoxoxooxox

I don't know whats wrong with me but lately I'm so completely down. I have everything I could ask for. But I feel like I'm loosing one of the most important people in my life. My best friend, I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do...incredibly.
I'm just not happy. My grades suck, I should be excited, my birthdays next week you know? I have an amazing boyfriend.


I think I still have issues, thanks to a certain someone. That i'll never be good enough for someone, either it'd be my boyfriend, mom, best friend, who ever. I'll never feel like I'll live up to their expectations.

REASONS WHY IM HAPPY
1. The way it makes me feel when I don't answer any of his texts "Babydoll, be with me blahblahblah"
2. Talking to a really good dude
3. A couple more weeks till my birthday!

REASONS WHY IM PISSED:
1. I'm close to failing sophmore year..
2. My mom won't take me shopping.
3. The dramatic Morgan, Myers, prom thing

A failure doesn't even compare to what I am. I suck at everything. I don't even want to go out tonight because I feel so shitty.

I haven't updated in a bit. I kicked someone of out my life woo! (aka the person who inspired me to write the last 2 blogs) thats one thing that makes me feel better for sure.

I'm bored :(

Everytime I think about him leaving me for good, feels like my heart starts refiguring itself some how and I start to get tears in my eyes. I love kissing him not only strictly because it's him, but I know he'll always be there. &I would hope I know someone will always care about me the way he does. The way I feel about him is completely irrevocable. I can't say I'm in love with him, but maybe I'm just in denial.
I haven't heard from him in about 2 days and it kills me so bad. This is the things that makes me want to cut him off completely, but there is NO possible way I could ever do that. Unless I just so happen to fall in love with someone else which I highly doubt would ever happen.
What kills me most is the fact I know the feeling isn't mutual. If it was, we'd make things work like we did, things would be completely different than they are now.
I'm just worried If I cut him off completely, something will happen to him and I won't be there, I don't fucking know.

I feel like i'd be better off trying to not live a lie. Right?


I know another pathetic post, I'm just really going crazy here, for over the past year the same shit has been happening and I'm just so entirely sick of this.

Call me completely pathetic, please. He tries to hang out with me yesterday, so as usual I act like a bitch, because I'm trying my hardest not to care about him. Then like always, he pulls me back under his little fucking spell that he likes to do and BAM, I'm thinking about him all the time agian.
I'm not quite sure what my issue is. Apart of me love him till his grave, apart of me would love to spend every milasecond of my life with him, apart of me wants to give him the world to make him happy, especially happy with me.
On the other hand, apart of me wants him completely out of my life, apart of me wants to forget completely about him and keep living life, him not included. But the truth is I really can't live without him... I have to be reassured that he cares about me, but the way he talks to me I perceive it's not even close to what I'm looking for.
When I see him I want him to feel the exact same way he feels about me, but that hasn't happend in over a year.

I can't give up, but I WANT to so badly. This just adds on to the stress that I've already built up inside my head, but this situation has happend so much in over a year that my tolerance for it just keeps getting higher.

I should have just said yes to being with him when he asked me..

I can't believe Robert Pattinson is playing my favorite artist. Seriously I'm so excited to see this movie, March 27th!
Today I walked around philly all fucking day, omg it was the worst. But I got a new scarf and a new dress from Maxstudiosss ;) We went to dinner @ Tequila's and I sware to you they have the best mexican food outside of Mexico no lie, I highly recommend it.
I'm really happy! This weekend me and Katie are going to Neshaminy and I might be seeing Kev! If I do, I'm probably gonna start tearin up, I haven't seen that kid since 8th grade hahah. Me and Kate are gonna go see Confessions of a shopoholic, which I'm completely DYING to see. Coraline, as well.

Happyhappyhappy!!!!


xoxoxoxoxo

I hate how jealousy and anger plays a big role in my personality.

So I've decided, if I move, or if I don't move, I'm gonna live up the 5 or so months I have here.
I'm soooooooo fucking lonely though! I absolutely hate to be saying that, but really! I need to find a boy! I wish I wasn't so Goddamn picky! I shouldn't be at all! Tomorrow! TGIF, with no fucking plans, I was supposed to go up northeast to chill with melissa but found out my Mom doesn't get off from work till 7 from Bumblefuck, so I wouldn't get there till 9 and that would be absolutely pointlesss.

Headache : Day 4?


ooxoxooxoxoxo

Completely broken. Theres nothing good for me going. Not school, Not love. I might move across the fucking country. My mom's a complete bitch. Dear Jesus when does it all fucking end. What the fuck is wrong with me.

I'm full of hate at this point, Most of it towards God, if he even really exists... For taking away my dad, My life would be completely content at this point. I wouldn't have to be dealing with half the shit I'm dealing with now, My wouldn't of had to get remarried, and I wouldn't have to worry about not leaving the East Coast. Its seriously freaking me out. Moving across the country at 15/16 is a big fucking thing...
But my mom is taking me to LA for my birthday and possibly booking my tattoo artist there, Juan. We're just not sure if he'll tattoo minors. I really hope so because I would die for him to do the portrait of my dad.

xoxox...

Am I really that desparate to fall in love? Reading these books doesn't help either... I'm not even sure how to explain how I feel right now. It sure does suck though. I feel like I'll never fall in love. And yet I keep going back to the same person I thought I was in love with, and everytime figure out theres nothing there anymore. Its most deffinately not what I want. &yet I feel like I've already met so many people I could meet. People in Philly, Jersey and Delaware. I'm just not sure.

So, Last night I had a total meltdown, and because I've never been in this kind of situation before. To try and protect someone you really care about is harder than I thought, I probably won't have much luck being a parent. Ha...
Anyway, tonight I think I'll try to finish Crank and move on to the Model book. Speaking of which Pam called me today asking to do Tom's cousins makeup for her photoshoot thing. Lots of pressure and I'm not sure If I'm up to do it, but It's not till February 23rd, so I've got lots of time to practice.


Xoxoxo

I hope we have off from school tomorrow, I need a day to myself. I don't want to see or talk to anybody.

I can't believe I finished all the books, I'm kinda upset about it actually, as rediculous as that may seem. They were all really interesting, kept me going. Stephenie Meyer is most deffinately talented for keeping all her readers interested. I haven't been happy lately, couldn't tell you why. Maybe because I'm trying to completely erase someone from my life, with messages left on my voicemail, unanswered phone calls, and unanswered texts. It's so tempting to respond, but I do my best resist. Right now I'm reading Crank. If I contintue liking it, then I'll follow to burned. But I also have Midnight Sun saved in my favorites, Even though it's only 12 chapters.
I have drivers ed this marking period, with Mr. Green, who lets me get away with everything most of the time, but in the classroom, rather than gym class, he was an asshole be cause apparently I had an "attitude". Not surprised, but we'll see how things go this time. Midterms are almost over; Tomorrow's the last day, Art, and Geometry. Geometry is an automatic fail, &it's not like you can even study for that kind of thing. I guess I'll just try to do my best now.
This weekend was lovely, Friday I went out with Mommabear to get sushi, Not as good as Manderin Oriental, but satifying. Afterwards I went to see Kay and Tiffany. I haven't hung out with Kay in so long, and I love Tiffany, I see her a few times a month anyways lol. Saturday I sat around and read Breaking Dawn all day until It was time to get ready to see Sammy. I got actaully pretty nervous, but the second I saw her standing at her door I was dying to give her the biggest and most emtion filled hug she's ever gotten, and I did. I cried. We went to the mall for Sammy and Deanna to get their nails done, then went back to her house, played some big little planet and watched Pineapple Express, (Hilarious)



This weekend I'll be going with Myers to get his tattoo on Friday, and then Saturday I have no idea whatsoever, We'll see what happends I guess?

oxoxoxxoxo

I FINALLY HEARD FROM HER! I was having such a shitty night until I talked to her.

The word "love" is way too overrated. I love my mom, my brother and Jess. I was never in love, ever. And yet I've said it to alot of guys. And basicly meant nothing to each and every one of them, so I've decided I'll never say i'm in love with someone until I know it, for sure.

"You should be happy with me" Was that a serious question? Honestly?

So I'm in the same place I was like 3 weeks ago. I don't even know I keep going along with him. I think I miss what we had, just not him. He's not the guy for me obviously, and I've learned not to care. I'd rather be single than be in a shitty relationship. We've grown distant in the past year and I don't know him like I used to.

I stayed in all weekend, I can't even tell you the last time I did that. But tonight was pretty cool, Made my own dinner ofcourse since I dont eat chicken :|, but then had a deep talk with my mom, I haven't talked to her like that in a while so it was nice. Then we watched Frida, It was alright, I thought it was gonna be better, but shes an ammaaaazing artist so fuck it.
For our next vacation we're going somewhere in the Carribean, ugh soooo excited, I'll have a nice tan. Hopefully we decide to go soon. I'm trying to do alot of traveling this summer. Going back to London for alittle bit, Then Dallas to see Julian and Nick, then maybe to Chicago to see Tio Andres. Since I haven't seen them in so long.


I'm so bored!

He makes me happy, just not as happy as he used to. He deffinately has that ability, but just chooses not to. And for a girl like me, I don't wanna deal with that, I'm needy and want to talk all the time. He knows how I am, but he just doesn't care, sO I could really care less about what he wants with me.

I'm feeling sick to my stomach(e?), annnnnnd extrememly comfused, and just rediculous in general. I don't really know how to explain it, I'm scared, confused, and hurt. Because I can completely predict the future in this situation, It's nothing new, at all. I should honeslty be used to it by now, but the fact that I let myself get that happy, and let my hopes get that high, It's expected of me to feel the way I am. I'm a fool to be honest, I really am stupid. I've got no common sense, what so ever.


Whatever, Fuck it.

I can't believe I'm still awake right now, considering the fact I was in London, and at the moment its 6:37 there. Wierd to think about, but the trip was amazing. It wasn't as cold as I expected, once we landed we got situated, then headed towards Oxford Circus, where all the shops are. I love London. The shops, and especially the fact that, on almost every menu they have theres something vegetarian. It's perfect. The only part that could possibly hold me back from living there is driving on the left side of the road, Very odd.
Then we went to Paris, back to the right side of the road. Seeing the Eiffel Tower was more surreal than I thought it would be. Seeing so many pictures of it, It looks so tiny. It's actually huge, bigger than I thought. But of course the one whole day we have, It sleets, rain and snow, Leaving my toes numb. The food in Paris is outstandingggg, Basicly wine, cheese, and bread with every meal, sounds boreing but Its SO good.
Finally, back to London for New Years, We had reservations for a cruise along the river in London. It was similar to Spirt of Philadelphia, except for London. I actually danced on the dance floor, with a bunch of old people, Including a middle school prinicpal, I didn't care though, probably because I had too many glasses of wine. The best part was being on top of the boat, seeing Big ben, and Counting down the seconds till 12. It was the best New Years by far.



And now, I'm home, finally in my own bed, but theres not doubt in my mind I won't go back. Now I'm dealing with the same stuff I left to. In the sitaution I'm in right now I'm playing the victim, but not for much longer.