Am I really that desparate to fall in love? Reading these books doesn't help either... I'm not even sure how to explain how I feel right now. It sure does suck though. I feel like I'll never fall in love. And yet I keep going back to the same person I thought I was in love with, and everytime figure out theres nothing there anymore. Its most deffinately not what I want. &yet I feel like I've already met so many people I could meet. People in Philly, Jersey and Delaware. I'm just not sure.

So, Last night I had a total meltdown, and because I've never been in this kind of situation before. To try and protect someone you really care about is harder than I thought, I probably won't have much luck being a parent. Ha...
Anyway, tonight I think I'll try to finish Crank and move on to the Model book. Speaking of which Pam called me today asking to do Tom's cousins makeup for her photoshoot thing. Lots of pressure and I'm not sure If I'm up to do it, but It's not till February 23rd, so I've got lots of time to practice.


Xoxoxo

I hope we have off from school tomorrow, I need a day to myself. I don't want to see or talk to anybody.

I can't believe I finished all the books, I'm kinda upset about it actually, as rediculous as that may seem. They were all really interesting, kept me going. Stephenie Meyer is most deffinately talented for keeping all her readers interested. I haven't been happy lately, couldn't tell you why. Maybe because I'm trying to completely erase someone from my life, with messages left on my voicemail, unanswered phone calls, and unanswered texts. It's so tempting to respond, but I do my best resist. Right now I'm reading Crank. If I contintue liking it, then I'll follow to burned. But I also have Midnight Sun saved in my favorites, Even though it's only 12 chapters.
I have drivers ed this marking period, with Mr. Green, who lets me get away with everything most of the time, but in the classroom, rather than gym class, he was an asshole be cause apparently I had an "attitude". Not surprised, but we'll see how things go this time. Midterms are almost over; Tomorrow's the last day, Art, and Geometry. Geometry is an automatic fail, &it's not like you can even study for that kind of thing. I guess I'll just try to do my best now.
This weekend was lovely, Friday I went out with Mommabear to get sushi, Not as good as Manderin Oriental, but satifying. Afterwards I went to see Kay and Tiffany. I haven't hung out with Kay in so long, and I love Tiffany, I see her a few times a month anyways lol. Saturday I sat around and read Breaking Dawn all day until It was time to get ready to see Sammy. I got actaully pretty nervous, but the second I saw her standing at her door I was dying to give her the biggest and most emtion filled hug she's ever gotten, and I did. I cried. We went to the mall for Sammy and Deanna to get their nails done, then went back to her house, played some big little planet and watched Pineapple Express, (Hilarious)



This weekend I'll be going with Myers to get his tattoo on Friday, and then Saturday I have no idea whatsoever, We'll see what happends I guess?

oxoxoxxoxo

I FINALLY HEARD FROM HER! I was having such a shitty night until I talked to her.

The word "love" is way too overrated. I love my mom, my brother and Jess. I was never in love, ever. And yet I've said it to alot of guys. And basicly meant nothing to each and every one of them, so I've decided I'll never say i'm in love with someone until I know it, for sure.

"You should be happy with me" Was that a serious question? Honestly?

So I'm in the same place I was like 3 weeks ago. I don't even know I keep going along with him. I think I miss what we had, just not him. He's not the guy for me obviously, and I've learned not to care. I'd rather be single than be in a shitty relationship. We've grown distant in the past year and I don't know him like I used to.

I stayed in all weekend, I can't even tell you the last time I did that. But tonight was pretty cool, Made my own dinner ofcourse since I dont eat chicken :|, but then had a deep talk with my mom, I haven't talked to her like that in a while so it was nice. Then we watched Frida, It was alright, I thought it was gonna be better, but shes an ammaaaazing artist so fuck it.
For our next vacation we're going somewhere in the Carribean, ugh soooo excited, I'll have a nice tan. Hopefully we decide to go soon. I'm trying to do alot of traveling this summer. Going back to London for alittle bit, Then Dallas to see Julian and Nick, then maybe to Chicago to see Tio Andres. Since I haven't seen them in so long.


I'm so bored!

He makes me happy, just not as happy as he used to. He deffinately has that ability, but just chooses not to. And for a girl like me, I don't wanna deal with that, I'm needy and want to talk all the time. He knows how I am, but he just doesn't care, sO I could really care less about what he wants with me.

I'm feeling sick to my stomach(e?), annnnnnd extrememly comfused, and just rediculous in general. I don't really know how to explain it, I'm scared, confused, and hurt. Because I can completely predict the future in this situation, It's nothing new, at all. I should honeslty be used to it by now, but the fact that I let myself get that happy, and let my hopes get that high, It's expected of me to feel the way I am. I'm a fool to be honest, I really am stupid. I've got no common sense, what so ever.


Whatever, Fuck it.

I can't believe I'm still awake right now, considering the fact I was in London, and at the moment its 6:37 there. Wierd to think about, but the trip was amazing. It wasn't as cold as I expected, once we landed we got situated, then headed towards Oxford Circus, where all the shops are. I love London. The shops, and especially the fact that, on almost every menu they have theres something vegetarian. It's perfect. The only part that could possibly hold me back from living there is driving on the left side of the road, Very odd.
Then we went to Paris, back to the right side of the road. Seeing the Eiffel Tower was more surreal than I thought it would be. Seeing so many pictures of it, It looks so tiny. It's actually huge, bigger than I thought. But of course the one whole day we have, It sleets, rain and snow, Leaving my toes numb. The food in Paris is outstandingggg, Basicly wine, cheese, and bread with every meal, sounds boreing but Its SO good.
Finally, back to London for New Years, We had reservations for a cruise along the river in London. It was similar to Spirt of Philadelphia, except for London. I actually danced on the dance floor, with a bunch of old people, Including a middle school prinicpal, I didn't care though, probably because I had too many glasses of wine. The best part was being on top of the boat, seeing Big ben, and Counting down the seconds till 12. It was the best New Years by far.



And now, I'm home, finally in my own bed, but theres not doubt in my mind I won't go back. Now I'm dealing with the same stuff I left to. In the sitaution I'm in right now I'm playing the victim, but not for much longer.