Soooo from sitting in all last night, and this morning. I've been thinking about so much, I need to get out of this house before I drive myself insane. I baked a some kind of fruity bread last night, and fell asleep during the phillies game. Oh and before all that my mom gave me a hot stone massage, which is deffinately what's up. I miss everything I used to have :( maybe if I didn't fuck up so much things wouldn't have changed, so I guess I stop feeling bad for myself. Ugggggggggggh

I had such a good night tonight, good get away from such a stupid week. I haven't talked to my best friend in like a good two days, I guess thats cool, right?

I'm so pathetic, really I am. I don't know why I bother with anyone or anything.

I've come to the conclusion that there has to be something dramaticly wrong with me. Or maybe I'm just a fucking retard, but i'm done with it all. I hate to be so dramatic, but I'm just venting.
Either all the dudes I talk to are complete assholes, or in all seriousness, there is someting wrong with me. I know im not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, or the best at making descisions, and the most jealous, not the skinniest. But someone was in love with me for over a year, why can't that happen again? I guess I gotta be patient, but im the most impatient girl ever. I HAVE SO MANY FLAWS. what the helllllllllllll? I thought I found some dudes who would do me right, but the first one, is too "busy" doesn't have time. And the second one is just a flat out douche bag whos been my friend, but likes to see girls cry I guess, when he couldve supposively "taken care of me" bulllll shiiiiitt...
Im done wasting my time on people, For real. Between friends, and guys. And just people in general, you can't trust ANYONE. So from now on, I will never ever ever let my guard down until I know and feel thats its alright to. I'm usually such a reallllly happy person, I am a happy person. but shit sucks so bad lately, im so over it, so incredibly over it.

"Best Friends" is such a God damn fake word. I have never been so betrayed by friends in so long. I don't understand how someone could sit there and act like yous are best friends, and pull the bull shit that you did. This doesn't go out to directly one person. All i know is, I don't need yous, your all huge dissapointment. But its okay, life is full dissapointments. But yous are the biggest. I got my mom and myself, and honestly thats all I need. Thanks for making my trust issues ten times worse than they were.

I could talk about how much i miss the way you used to play with my chub, and i could say that i miss the way that you yelled at me, and i could say that i missed the way you made me feel totally complete. I could say that i miss your kisses and and knowing i was the reaosn your smiling. I could say all that, but i know its not the same as it used to be, never will. Which hurts me so bad because thats all i can think about. What if things didnt mess up, where would we be right now? just sucks, becaues i don't think i can even be your friend, talk to you, RATHER see you, without crying. I want to move on, and im trying. and i'm gonna keep trying.

I don't seem to be too happy lately, can't really explain why, but i feel like theres something missing. I want to go to the beach and just lay there by myself all day. One thing i can really look forward to is going to London for New Years. I can't be more excited. But school is wearing me out, i've been going to bed so early lately, and im actually cracking down and doing my homework. Wierd right? School is one of my main concerns right now. But i just wish i was happy, i mean im content, but im not as happy as i can be. People have been letting me down except for three people really. They know who they are. Whatever, just taking this school year day by day.