I feel alot better now that my moms home you don't even know. But my brother is deffinately coming over, and my mom told me the only thing she wants for mother's day is for us to be civil.... yeah............

I've been laying in bed, all day. Miserable. Miserable. MISeRABLE. I've been crying. I miss my Dad. I miss him so much. 3 years is too long without having him. I think I might have to see my brother today, I hate him. No one cares. I have no one to talk to. I need help. I'm hot. And at this point in time I wish I was fucked up on God knows what. Maybe I'm getting my period, I don't know. I just wish everything was perfect and everything was okay. But I'm not happy, nothing comes easy for me, ever. I was happy a little less than a month ago. But it's obvious people change quickly. I'm not happy. In any way shape or form. My mom's not even home for mother's day.

I haven't updated in so long. I'm miserable absolutely miserable. I'm not happy like I used to be thats for sure. I didn't know you talked bad about someone your apparently in love with but, thats okay right? I didn't know it was alright to be disrespectful to someone your in love with, but that's okay right? I totally just realized something as well. I'm not writing it on here just because it's public. But I'm off the wall about it
Thank God today is mother's day, because I don't feel like leaving the house, I just want to sit and read and cry.

Why can't every thing just go perfectly

Tonight was an interesting night, Steve's asleep and I wanna talk to him so bad


xoxoxoxo

Well, It's 6:25, and the truth is I woke up thinking about it, at 5:50. YOU really did like me, What guy would wanna spend every night on the phone with a girl who lives far away, that youll never see, what guy wouldn't read all my surveys about him and not like me? I think the only reason you hurt me like you did is because you needed to get rid of me, fast. But you insisted on making it a bigger deal than it should have been, you could have just told me.
I don't know maybe I'm completely wrong, I considered him maybe being completely insane, (a conclusion I do not doubt at all) I've considered a bunch of things.
But truth is I'm utterly and completely happy with Steve and I wouldn't trade him for one thing in the world even if it was a life supply of authentic Chanel stuff, oh thatd be wonderful, but its true.

My myspace song makes me wannaaaaaaaa dance, all my nail polish is coming off and it's my favorite color, I miss my baabeeee. I passed history with a fucking 76! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT CUZ I CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)

ps I still feel mad lonely, still... but I'm happy today, today is a good day!

I need to find out what the fuck is wrong with me fast before I blow my fucking head off. Maybe I'm bi-polar, maybe i'm just fucked up. Who knows, I just can not afford to push away one the of best people in my life right now, please God don't let me loose him

Have you ever felt like you have everything in the world that you could possibly want but you still feel completely alone? That sounds outragously emo but really. For over a year I thought falling in love would take away all of that would basicly heal everything, but now I realize I'm wrong. Steve is something else, I want to see him every second of the day, I love talking to him, I love kissing him, I love his eyes, his smile, How funny he is, everything about him gets to me and I still feel like he's not completely there.


I've come to the conclusion there's something wrong with me and I'm not sure what it is yet, and I reaaaaaallly need some help figuring it out. Because If I don't let myself go then I don't see myself ever being completely, full on happy. Not saying that I'm not super happy at the moment, I just feel like I have potential to be happier.

WHY AM I CRYING

This is where everything catches up, I'm not sure if it's just my time of the month or i'm really upset. I'm so scared still, or just fed up, I'm feeling a whole bunch of things. I have 50 dollars I could spend it on alot of different things that would probably make everything go away which would be amazing, but I won't. I'd like to run away by myself with no one able to contact me and never come back, like go ask alice except less fucked up.
My back is killing me and i feel horrible, I'm about to take worlds longest bath.


:(

It's so uncalled for and so unexpected for me to feel this way about someone so fast. I talked to my mom yesterday, and she said no matter what in any situation, you're always gonna get hurt, and I said "well, aren't you scared?" and she said no, im living in the moment, in the now. I came open hearted in this relationship and now it couldn't be more perfect. So I took her advice and let my guard down, and I can truely say my boyfriend is perfect for me, every aspect of him. I know most people probably think I'm crazy for admitting that one word to him, I think I'm crazy for letting it happen, but I'm happy.

^^^^^ HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


Last night I wrote a letter to myself that was impossibly true. It's about how I need to treat my mom, not only as a friend but as parent, to stop pushing her away finding reasons to be mad at her, I need to learn now while I can so I don't push new people away.
Thursday night, my 16th birthday, was most deffinately not the way I pictured it, but all in all, I don't have a phone, I probably won't have a computer later, but I hung out with Lizzy, Ashley and Jason, and it seriously made my night, I couldn't have more fun just sitting at a diner, and a playground with the best people on this earth. Seriously.
Last night was amazing as well I got to see Steve which always put a hugeeeeeeee smile on my face. He's honestly way to good to be true, or just way too good for me in general, perfect perfect perfect. I could go on and on about how much and what I love about Steve but I won't. Just know that he's the best boyfriend I've ever had.
Today should be ten times more interesting, I haven't talked to my mom since our little arguement thursday night. But I think all will be well, I can't have things be awkward really, I think like usual we both need time to calm down.

Kelsey xoxoxooxox

I don't know whats wrong with me but lately I'm so completely down. I have everything I could ask for. But I feel like I'm loosing one of the most important people in my life. My best friend, I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do...incredibly.
I'm just not happy. My grades suck, I should be excited, my birthdays next week you know? I have an amazing boyfriend.


I think I still have issues, thanks to a certain someone. That i'll never be good enough for someone, either it'd be my boyfriend, mom, best friend, who ever. I'll never feel like I'll live up to their expectations.

REASONS WHY IM HAPPY
1. The way it makes me feel when I don't answer any of his texts "Babydoll, be with me blahblahblah"
2. Talking to a really good dude
3. A couple more weeks till my birthday!

REASONS WHY IM PISSED:
1. I'm close to failing sophmore year..
2. My mom won't take me shopping.
3. The dramatic Morgan, Myers, prom thing

A failure doesn't even compare to what I am. I suck at everything. I don't even want to go out tonight because I feel so shitty.

I haven't updated in a bit. I kicked someone of out my life woo! (aka the person who inspired me to write the last 2 blogs) thats one thing that makes me feel better for sure.

I'm bored :(

Everytime I think about him leaving me for good, feels like my heart starts refiguring itself some how and I start to get tears in my eyes. I love kissing him not only strictly because it's him, but I know he'll always be there. &I would hope I know someone will always care about me the way he does. The way I feel about him is completely irrevocable. I can't say I'm in love with him, but maybe I'm just in denial.
I haven't heard from him in about 2 days and it kills me so bad. This is the things that makes me want to cut him off completely, but there is NO possible way I could ever do that. Unless I just so happen to fall in love with someone else which I highly doubt would ever happen.
What kills me most is the fact I know the feeling isn't mutual. If it was, we'd make things work like we did, things would be completely different than they are now.
I'm just worried If I cut him off completely, something will happen to him and I won't be there, I don't fucking know.

I feel like i'd be better off trying to not live a lie. Right?


I know another pathetic post, I'm just really going crazy here, for over the past year the same shit has been happening and I'm just so entirely sick of this.

Call me completely pathetic, please. He tries to hang out with me yesterday, so as usual I act like a bitch, because I'm trying my hardest not to care about him. Then like always, he pulls me back under his little fucking spell that he likes to do and BAM, I'm thinking about him all the time agian.
I'm not quite sure what my issue is. Apart of me love him till his grave, apart of me would love to spend every milasecond of my life with him, apart of me wants to give him the world to make him happy, especially happy with me.
On the other hand, apart of me wants him completely out of my life, apart of me wants to forget completely about him and keep living life, him not included. But the truth is I really can't live without him... I have to be reassured that he cares about me, but the way he talks to me I perceive it's not even close to what I'm looking for.
When I see him I want him to feel the exact same way he feels about me, but that hasn't happend in over a year.

I can't give up, but I WANT to so badly. This just adds on to the stress that I've already built up inside my head, but this situation has happend so much in over a year that my tolerance for it just keeps getting higher.

I should have just said yes to being with him when he asked me..

I can't believe Robert Pattinson is playing my favorite artist. Seriously I'm so excited to see this movie, March 27th!
Today I walked around philly all fucking day, omg it was the worst. But I got a new scarf and a new dress from Maxstudiosss ;) We went to dinner @ Tequila's and I sware to you they have the best mexican food outside of Mexico no lie, I highly recommend it.
I'm really happy! This weekend me and Katie are going to Neshaminy and I might be seeing Kev! If I do, I'm probably gonna start tearin up, I haven't seen that kid since 8th grade hahah. Me and Kate are gonna go see Confessions of a shopoholic, which I'm completely DYING to see. Coraline, as well.

Happyhappyhappy!!!!


xoxoxoxoxo

I hate how jealousy and anger plays a big role in my personality.