Call me completely pathetic, please. He tries to hang out with me yesterday, so as usual I act like a bitch, because I'm trying my hardest not to care about him. Then like always, he pulls me back under his little fucking spell that he likes to do and BAM, I'm thinking about him all the time agian.
I'm not quite sure what my issue is. Apart of me love him till his grave, apart of me would love to spend every milasecond of my life with him, apart of me wants to give him the world to make him happy, especially happy with me.
On the other hand, apart of me wants him completely out of my life, apart of me wants to forget completely about him and keep living life, him not included. But the truth is I really can't live without him... I have to be reassured that he cares about me, but the way he talks to me I perceive it's not even close to what I'm looking for.
When I see him I want him to feel the exact same way he feels about me, but that hasn't happend in over a year.

I can't give up, but I WANT to so badly. This just adds on to the stress that I've already built up inside my head, but this situation has happend so much in over a year that my tolerance for it just keeps getting higher.

I should have just said yes to being with him when he asked me..

I can't believe Robert Pattinson is playing my favorite artist. Seriously I'm so excited to see this movie, March 27th!
Today I walked around philly all fucking day, omg it was the worst. But I got a new scarf and a new dress from Maxstudiosss ;) We went to dinner @ Tequila's and I sware to you they have the best mexican food outside of Mexico no lie, I highly recommend it.
I'm really happy! This weekend me and Katie are going to Neshaminy and I might be seeing Kev! If I do, I'm probably gonna start tearin up, I haven't seen that kid since 8th grade hahah. Me and Kate are gonna go see Confessions of a shopoholic, which I'm completely DYING to see. Coraline, as well.

Happyhappyhappy!!!!


xoxoxoxoxo

I hate how jealousy and anger plays a big role in my personality.

So I've decided, if I move, or if I don't move, I'm gonna live up the 5 or so months I have here.
I'm soooooooo fucking lonely though! I absolutely hate to be saying that, but really! I need to find a boy! I wish I wasn't so Goddamn picky! I shouldn't be at all! Tomorrow! TGIF, with no fucking plans, I was supposed to go up northeast to chill with melissa but found out my Mom doesn't get off from work till 7 from Bumblefuck, so I wouldn't get there till 9 and that would be absolutely pointlesss.

Headache : Day 4?


ooxoxooxoxoxo

Completely broken. Theres nothing good for me going. Not school, Not love. I might move across the fucking country. My mom's a complete bitch. Dear Jesus when does it all fucking end. What the fuck is wrong with me.

I'm full of hate at this point, Most of it towards God, if he even really exists... For taking away my dad, My life would be completely content at this point. I wouldn't have to be dealing with half the shit I'm dealing with now, My wouldn't of had to get remarried, and I wouldn't have to worry about not leaving the East Coast. Its seriously freaking me out. Moving across the country at 15/16 is a big fucking thing...
But my mom is taking me to LA for my birthday and possibly booking my tattoo artist there, Juan. We're just not sure if he'll tattoo minors. I really hope so because I would die for him to do the portrait of my dad.

xoxox...